Satirical support for legalizing Marijuana. The last decade has seen so much progress on this front, this seems dated now. [479 words]

Support Your Local Drug Dealer


We know how tough the economy is lately and our job is to help you through it. Now, it’s your turn to help us. We didn't mind when states started legalizing 'medical marijuana', because our profits were unaffected. But, some are now discussing decriminalization and that's too close to legalization for our tastes.

We depend on our illicit pot business. We’re talking about billions of tax-free dollars every year. Legalizing marijuana would put us out of business. Without your contributions, we won't be able to buy weapons, terrorize communities nor influence politicians.

Imagine drug dealers forced out of their mansions and villas, required to get 'real' jobs. Who wants to buy their Whopper from a dysfunctional rage-aholic wearing a silk suit and a 9mm? Nobody wants that. We’ve grown accustomed to a more relaxed lifestyle, effectively ruined for real employment.

You already took back alcohol. Some of the old-timers are still ticked about that, always going on about the ‘good old days’ when alcohol was illegal. Our attempts at subsequent 'illegalize liquor' campaigns haven’t received much traction. We had better luck with tobacco, but it remains legal, to our dismay.

Who cares that enforcing marijuana prohibition jails over 800,000 Americans annually, most for personal use? We certainly don’t. Keeping marijuana criminalized is essential for our bottom line and we always seem to have plenty of customers, no matter how many go to jail.

Legalization means selling marijuana through liquor stores, which is blatant discrimination against folks under twenty-one years old. With us out of business, weed might be harder for them to get. Shouldn’t they be able to buy pot too? Liquor stores won’t deliver, nor provide any tips for that tough level on ‘Grand Theft Auto’.

Do you really want the government as your dealer? Granted they've got alcohol down pat, but we've been serving your community for decades; I'd say you owe us a little brand loyalty. What about the projected billions of dollars in new tax revenue? Surely, the government would just waste it. At least, we’ll buy something flashy with it.

So help us out if you can. Talk to your neighbors, post a letter to the editor, or write a blog. Some of our favorite themes are, “it’s a gateway drug”, “just say no”, and “this is your brain on drugs”. If all else fails, “what about the children”, works very well. Listen to prohibitionists, conservative talk radio, or your preferred religious advisor. They will confirm our message.

Let us have marijuana. You love it, your kids love it, and we love meeting and getting to know your kids. Some even become employees, helping us tremendously. It's our money and we'd like to keep the system the way it is. We're counting on you. Don't put drug dealers out of business.

Keep marijuana illegal.


Thanks For Reading!

I'm always humbled when someone like you spends their valuable time reading something I scribbled. Thanks much.

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