Good evening, everyone. I'm Gil Gabsalot and this is Myth Spoilers.
Tonight we’re broadcasting from an undisclosed location to protect the secrecy of what we will reveal to you shortly. Our apologies to you, the viewers, but our regular studio wasn’t safe and we couldn’t wait to share what we’ve found. Your patience is appreciated and will be amply rewarded.
Our team of private investigators has procured a top secret document which has never been published before, ‘The Confidential Female Handbook’.
Not only were copious amounts of bribery with designer footwear required, several pairs of testicles gave up their lives to help bring this to you. Our thoughts especially go out to Bob Tettleton; we hope the reattachment surgery goes well. Your sacrifice will be remembered.
You heard correctly, folks. What many of us men have long suspected is now proven true. Women have been conspiring against men using coordinated methods for eons. Our translators have been working tirelessly, but it's slow going. The prose is excruciatingly long-winded and skips topics with abandon. It’s loaded with flashbacks and unnecessary emotional drivel, but we’re making progress.
The initial chapter concerns the strict rules and penalties surrounding the secrecy of the book itself. Briefly, it seems that only a few copies are allowed to exist and most of the lessons are passed on by word of mouth. Over the years it has been updated, but only rarely. Some of the entries date back centuries, with the most recent comment being an exasperated rant regarding ‘boner’ pills.
Exposing the book to any man is punishable by the most extreme measures, making what we’re doing now a very dire offense. But, here at Myth Spoilers, our job is to bring you the truth, no matter the danger. Every week, we’ll bring you a new chapter of lessons we decipher from the Handbook.
Tonight's topic, women are irrational.
We've all been there, in the midst of a minor argument with a seemingly sane woman when suddenly her head spins completely around and her Tourettes kicks in like she’s in the Navy. She’s churning out facts as if holding a rolodex of every mistake you’ve made over the last several years. Her assault continues with random twists of guilt from earlier sparring matches when you were foolish enough to berate her or say something frank about her mother. In the middle of it all, she just looks at you and starts crying.
We’ve been taught to attribute these actions to woman’s emotional nature, a bad day, or a hormonal imbalance. Yet, according to the Handbook, it’s all an act. Irrational implies involuntary, and therefore excusable, behavior; a moment of passion, not a calculated performance.
This book details example after example of how to use feigned irrational behavior to confuse, castigate and control members of the male gender. They're all in there: bringing up the ex-girlfriend, railing on about past miscues, sobbing at will, unreasonable demands, false accusations, unprovoked yelling and the always effective 'I lied, size does matter.'
I know you women out there are trying your best to act surprised. Don’t buy it guys, these women have been taught at a very young age how best to rattle us and ensure their continued rise to dominance of the human species.
This is just the tip of the iceberg. Over the next few weeks we’ll expose several other common misconceptions as our translators make more progress. Next week we expose the myth of the G-spot. I mean seriously, who really believed that one?
Until then, I’m Gil Gabsalot and this is Myth Spoilers.
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"That’s a wrap guys; time to go home."
"Hey, I said it’s time to go."
"Who is that behind the camera? You’re not Charlie. No! Don’t do it!"
Shots ring out.
A pleasant perfume lingers as Gucci heels click towards the door.